You’ll have your ‘yaad card’ revoked if…..

  • Monday, January 8th, 2018

This one is especially for my friends who are overseas in the Diaspora who are missing home. From time to time, you guys may say something controversial, wacky or weird that someone in Jamaica will react to with a “oh no you did not just say that” and try to check you or threaten to revoke your ‘yaad card’ which is your status as a full fledged legitimate Jamaican.

No matter what, we all know you’re all ‘yardies’ through and through so let’s start the year off with a good laugh. And please note I will be writing some of it in patois so if you’re a true yardie you will figure it out.

You yaad card will be revoked if…

  • You nuh like pepper!
  • You nuh eat curry!
  • You nuh believe water crackers ‘buss’ gas
  • You nuh believe bush tea can cure practically any ailment
  • When you waa urinate, you nuh squeeze u big toe
  • You nuh chew up you ice after the drinks in your glass finish
  • You nuh know nobody named ‘Pinky’. Shorty’, ‘Blacks’, ‘Bigga’, ‘Ukubit’ or ‘Missa Chin’
  • You caa knead flour dumpling
  • After you eat and belch you nuh sey “mannerz”
  • When giving direction, you nuh sey “It jus roun d road man”
  • You nuh call all nail polish ‘cutex’ and all diaper brands ‘Pampas’
  • You don’t like ackee and saltfish
  • When you point at a grave, you nuh bite all ten fingers and spin you roll
  • You nuh bex when smaddy have dead ….and dem nuh kip nuh ni-nite!
  • When smaddy have baby, you nuh low-key inspect de infant fi see if dem fava d puppa!
  • When rain fall, you nuh call in sick
  • When you sey “knock pon wood”, you nuh run go find supm wooden fi lick else u feel sey a bad luck
  • You nuh have a chimmey unda u bed
  • You never bathe in a bath pan….as an adult
  • When you a gi man ‘6 love’ in a domino game, you nuh stand up and slam the last domino piece!
  • You don’t own a Dutch pot
  • When going to country on a bus, you’ve never ask the driver to stop in order for you to find a spot to ‘relieve your bladder’
  • You know the word is ‘cer-ti-fi-cate’ but you pronounce it ‘cer-fi-ti-ket’
  • When you sweep at night, you never sey ‘excuse me”
  • When you go country dance, you never tip some of your liquor on the ground for ‘the ancestors’
  • Whatever you dream, you never get up the next day and go buy cash pot
  • You never owned an ugly figurine or Jesus picture
  • You never called facial pimples ‘love bump’
  • When you reach funeral late, you nuh beg the pastor open back the coffin fi u peep pon d body
  • When you out in public and the national anthem plays , you never sing ‘boom!” during the chorus
  • When you have ‘cowl’, you never sniff Vicks inhaler or bay rum
  • When spanking a child, you never ask dem “what you crying fah?”
  • When you’re at a dance or party and a ‘boom chune’ start playing, you never raise your fingers in the air and shout “Bap Bap Bap!!”